Being a Great Sports Parent

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You Are Kalama Soccer

This club does not exist without you. Full stop.

Kalama Soccer Club is a volunteer-run, community organization. There is no paid coaching staff. There is no front office. There is no facilities team. What there is — is a group of parents and community members who said yes when they could have said nothing.

The parents who show up are the coaches, the referees, the board members, the sideline cheerers, the snack coordinators, the field painters, the goal movers, the event planners, and the people who make sure the kids have a place to play. If you've ever done any of those things — thank you. We see you. That work matters.

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Volunteer Coaches

Parents who step up to lead a team — often with little to no soccer experience

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Referee Volunteers

Parents and teens who keep our games fair and running

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Board Members

Volunteers who make decisions, manage finances, and run the club

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Event Helpers

People who show up for jamborees, fairs, and end-of-season celebrations

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Field Crew

The unsung folks who paint lines, move goals, and keep facilities clean

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Sideline Supporters

Parents who cheer with energy, class, and encouragement every single game

This page is for all of you. It's an honest look at what it means to support a young athlete — not just physically, but emotionally, behaviorally, and as a member of this community. Some of it will feel familiar. Some of it might challenge you. All of it comes from a place of wanting Kalama Soccer to be something kids remember for the right reasons.

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What Youth Soccer Is Actually For

Let's be honest about what Kalama Soccer Club is: it's recreational, community youth soccer. We are not a travel program. We are not a select club. We are not a development pathway to college scholarships. And that is a genuinely wonderful thing.

What we are is a place where kids in Kalama learn that physical activity is fun, that being part of a team matters, that hard things are worth trying, and that how you handle a loss says more about you than whether you won.

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Fun is the Point

Kids who have fun stay in sports longer. Sports participation at age 8 that is positive predicts sports participation at 18. Winning has almost nothing to do with it.

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Life Skills, Not Just Soccer Skills

Youth sports research consistently shows that the real outcomes are resilience, teamwork, emotional regulation, and the ability to handle failure — not technical ability.

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Community Over Competition

The kids on the other team are your neighbors, classmates, and future teammates. The league exists to give everyone a game, not to crown a champion.

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Progress, Not Perfection

Your child will not be great at soccer in their first season. Or their second. That's normal. The goal is a little better each week — and still wanting to come back next season.

📊 What the Research Says

"When kids are asked what they want from youth sports, the top answers are: to have fun, to improve their skills, and to be with friends. Winning doesn't make the top 10."

— Amanda Visek, George Washington University, "The Fun Integration Theory" (widely cited in youth sports research)

The same research identified over 80 things kids find fun in sports. Adults who focus on winning are optimizing for something kids barely care about — while missing the things that actually keep kids engaged.

📹 "Why Your Kid Needs Sports To Be Bigger Than Sports" — Lisa Willis, retired WNBA player | Healthy Sports Parents Podcast (starts at 22:25)

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The Science of the Sideline

What you say and do on the sideline has a measurable effect on your child's experience of the game — their enjoyment, their anxiety, and even their performance. This isn't a lecture. It's information most parents genuinely don't have, because no one told them.

📊 The "I Love Watching You Play" Study

Researcher and author John O'Sullivan asked hundreds of athletes — including college and professional players — what they most wanted to hear from their parents after a game.

The overwhelming answer: "I love watching you play."

Not "good job." Not "you should have passed more." Not "the referee was wrong." Just those five words — clean, unconditional, present. Kids want to know their parent enjoyed watching them — not that they were being evaluated.

The two-voice problem. When a parent shouts instructions from the sideline at the same time as the coach is coaching, kids have to choose which voice to listen to — mid-game, under pressure. They can't process both. The result isn't better performance. It's confusion, anxiety, and a child who starts dreading game day.

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What Actually Helps

Cheering for effort ("great hustle!"), cheering for both teams, staying calm when calls go against you, asking "did you have fun?" on the drive home.

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What Gets in the Way

Shouting tactical instructions, criticizing from the sideline, visibly reacting to bad calls, asking "why didn't you do X?" before they've caught their breath.

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Their Game, Not Yours

It can feel like your child's performance reflects on you. It doesn't. Their job is to play. Your job is to cheer. These are different jobs and they work best when kept separate.

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Silence Is a Gift

Experienced youth sports coaches will tell you: the quieter the sideline, the better the kids play. Not because quiet is the goal — but because kids feel free to make decisions without fear of judgment.

The 24-hour rule on steroids. Most coaches know the 24-hour rule — wait a day before bringing concerns to a coach. But consider an even simpler filter: Would saying this help my child right now, or is it for me? Most sideline instructions pass through no filter at all. That one question changes almost everything.

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Helping Your Kid Handle Hard Moments

Youth sports serve up hard moments regularly: losses, mistakes in front of everyone, getting pulled from a position, sitting the bench, a goal scored on them, a missed penalty kick. These moments are not problems to prevent. They are the curriculum.

Your job in these moments is not to fix them, explain them away, or blame someone else. Your job is to be a safe place while your child processes them — and to trust that they can handle more than you think.

After a Loss

✅ Try saying:

"I loved watching you play today. Want to grab food?" — and let them lead the conversation from there.

❌ Avoid:

"You should have passed more." "That referee was terrible." "We were robbed." These transfer blame and teach avoidance, not resilience.

Big Mistake

✅ Try saying:

"That looked tough. You okay?" — then wait. Let them name what they feel. Don't rush to reassure.

❌ Avoid:

Minimizing ("it's fine, no one noticed") or piling on ("yeah you really should have…"). Both land worse than saying nothing.

Bench Time

✅ Try saying:

"Everyone plays, everyone sits — that's the deal. What do you notice when you're watching from here?"

❌ Avoid:

Complaining about playing time to other parents (kids hear everything), or confronting the coach at the field. The 24-hour rule was made for this.

Quitting Talk

✅ Try saying:

"It sounds like today was rough. Let's finish the season and then we can talk about what you want to do next." Honoring commitment matters — but so does listening.

❌ Avoid:

Forcing a child to play sport who genuinely does not want to be there. That's a guaranteed path to resenting it — and you.

They're Crying

✅ Try saying:

Nothing. Be next to them. Let it out. Tears in sport mean they cared. That's a good thing. When they're ready, they'll talk.

❌ Avoid:

"Don't cry." "You're fine." "Stop." These teach kids that their emotions are inconvenient. That sticks.

The goal of youth sports is not to protect kids from hard feelings. It's to give them a safe, low-stakes place to practice feeling them — and to have a parent who stays calm and present while they do.

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Sportsmanship — Yours and Theirs

Kids learn what sportsmanship looks like by watching adults. Not by being told about it — by watching it. Every time you react to a call, celebrate a goal, acknowledge the opponent, or handle a frustrating game, you are teaching your child exactly what this is supposed to look like.

The opponent is not the enemy. They're the reason we have a game.

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Winning With Class

Celebrate your team without taunting theirs. Big wins over young kids aren't trophies — they're uncomfortable for everyone. Cheer for your players; don't pile on theirs.

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Losing With Grace

"Good game" is not a formality. It's an acknowledgment that the other team worked just as hard as yours did. Teach kids to mean it — by meaning it yourself.

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Cheer for Both Teams

Applauding a good play — even by the other team — is a mark of someone who loves the game, not just their kid's team. It's also the most disarming thing you can do on a tense sideline.

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Kids Are Always Watching

Players on your team are watching you. Players on the other team are watching you. The referees are watching you. Your child will remember how you behaved on the sideline long after they've forgotten the score.

📹 "Why Good Parents Feel So Much Pressure in Youth Sports" — Jordan Rogers, former Nike Brand Marketing Director | Healthy Sports Parents Podcast

The ripple effect is real. One parent losing composure on a sideline changes the emotional temperature of the entire game. For both teams. Every player and coach on that field feels it. You have more influence than you think — use it to make the game better.

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Your Child's Volunteer Coach

Your child's coach is almost certainly a parent — just like you. They volunteered for this. Most of them have no formal soccer training. They signed up because their kid's team needed a coach and they didn't want the team to fold. Let that sink in.

On any given practice night, your child's coach is managing 8–14 kids, tracking playing time, keeping energy up, remembering everyone's name, running drills they Googled the night before, and making real-time decisions — all as a volunteer, after their own full day of work and family.

They are doing their best. "Their best" may look imperfect sometimes. That's okay. Imperfect volunteer coaching delivered with enthusiasm and care is enormously better for kids than no team at all. Criticizing a volunteer coach on the sideline — in front of players, in group chats, or in public forums — does real harm. It does not make the program better. It makes fewer people willing to volunteer.

You have the same tools they do. Every volunteer coach in Kalama found their way using the internet, YouTube, library books, and resources like this website — because those were what was available. No one handed anyone a training program and a salary. The coaches who stepped up figured it out the same way you figure out everything else: they looked it up, tried it, adjusted, and kept going.

If you have ever Googled a birthday party idea, a DIY project, or a Pinterest recipe — you are fully capable of searching "U8 soccer drills" or "how to teach a throw-in." The resources exist. The initiative is the only missing ingredient. This website exists because someone decided to build what wasn't there. That's the model. That's the culture.

If you think something is being done wrong, the answer is to get involved and do it better — not to critique from a comfortable distance.

How to Be a Great Teammate to the Coach

Show up on time and help with setup — they're setting up cones and already managing early arrivals
Remind your child to listen to the coach — one voice, one plan
Offer to help with tasks at practice: timer, dragging the net, managing the water table
Send a positive text after a good practice or game — it matters more than you think
Raise concerns privately, after the game, with a partner-not-a-critic approach
If you have soccer knowledge, offer to help — don't just critique from the sideline

What Makes the Coach's Job Harder

Shouting instructions from the sideline during practice or games — undermines their authority
Complaining about playing time to other parents where kids can hear
Approaching the coach at the field, during or immediately after a game, to criticize
Second-guessing decisions in front of players — even as a "joke"
Expecting professional-level structure from a volunteer parent program
Not responding to team communications, then being upset when you missed something

The 24-hour rule. If something from a game or practice is bothering you, wait 24 hours before reaching out to the coach. Most concerns resolve themselves. The ones that don't can be addressed calmly, as a partner. Start with: "I wanted to share something — is this a good time?" It goes much better than the parking lot version.

Group chats, online threads, and social posts are not the place to raise complaints. Kalama Soccer Club and CYSA both have formal processes for concerns — and those processes exist for a reason. They lead to actual resolution. Public group threads do not.

Posting complaints, criticisms, or frustrations in parent group chats, Facebook groups, or other community forums creates a different kind of harm than sideline behavior — but it's just as real. It escalates tension, drags in people who weren't involved, embarrasses volunteers in front of the community, and poisons the culture for the families who just wanted their kid to play soccer.

Condescending language, public call-outs, and pile-on dynamics in online spaces are not "raising concerns." They are not accountability. They are not helpful to anyone — least of all your child. The people managing this program are volunteers who are trying. They deserve the same good-faith approach you'd want if someone were criticizing your work publicly.

If you have a real concern: use the process. Contact the coach directly (24 hours later, private message). Contact the registrar. Contact CYSA. These channels exist and they work. The group chat is not one of them.

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The Referee — Know the Rules

Here's something most parents don't know: the majority of referees at Kalama games are children — typically between 10 and 14 years old. They are players from our own community, or siblings and family members of players, who chose to get involved. Kalama Soccer Club pays its referees for every game they work — from the Micro-Referee level through full certification. This is intentional. The club built its referee program around the idea that these kids should be compensated for their work, learn what it means to earn for their effort, and develop real professional skills in a real paid role. For many of them, this is their first job. They are learning how to show up, perform, handle feedback, and conduct themselves professionally — while still being 10, 11, 12, or 13 years old. When you shout at the referee, you are not arguing with a bad call. You are disrupting a child's first workplace.

Every referee we lose hurts the whole league. Youth referee dropout is a national crisis. The number one reason young refs quit? Abuse from parents on the sideline. When our referees quit, games don't happen. Your team doesn't play.

The most common parent complaint on a soccer sideline is about a rule they don't actually know. Here are the rules that cause the most sideline conflict — so you can't claim not to know them:

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Offsides

A player is offside if they're nearer to the opponent's goal than both the ball AND the second-to-last defender at the moment the ball is played — not when they receive it. It's a timing call, and it's one of the hardest calls in the game. Refs get it wrong. So do VAR systems.

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Handball

Not every ball that hits an arm is a handball. The call is about whether the arm is in an "unnatural position" — not simply whether the ball touched it. Handball is a judgment call, not a physics call. Intent matters at younger ages.

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Out of Bounds

The ball must completely cross the line to be out. If any part is touching the line, it's in. This looks different from different angles on the sideline, and the referee's angle is usually better than yours.

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Fouls

A hard challenge is not automatically a foul. A foul requires careless, reckless, or excessive force — or specific technical violations. "That was dirty!" and "That was a foul!" are two different things. Referees decide which it was.

⚡ What your reaction actually does on the field

When parents escalate about a call — even one that genuinely was wrong — emotions ripple directly onto the field. Players feel it. Frustration builds. Focus shifts from the game to the injustice. The kid who's supposed to be playing is now managing the energy coming off the sideline instead.

The truth is: there will always be games with inconsistent reffing. A young referee who is still learning the laws — often below their own level of play — will call everything they see, or miss things they don't. A more lenient ref lets a lot slide. Sometimes the ref makes a call that's genuinely wrong. Occasionally there's no certified ref at all.

These situations are real. Your child will face them regularly throughout their playing life. The question is not whether the calls will always be fair. They won't. The question is what kind of player your child becomes in those moments — and what you, on the sideline, are teaching them about how to respond.

Do they fall apart? Do they argue, lose focus, and play worse? Or do they find a way to compete with integrity anyway — to adapt, support their teammates, and keep going even when it feels unfair?

That's a life skill, not a soccer skill. And it only gets built if the adults around them model it. Every time you stay calm through a bad call, you are teaching your child exactly how to do the same. Every time you don't, you are teaching them something else.

Also worth remembering: referees are kids too, growing into their bodies and their judgment just like the players. They may be awkward, uncertain, or inconsistent — because they are young humans in a learning role, not career officials. They deserve the same patience you'd want extended to your own child when they're figuring something out.

Only the coach may address the referee. Under CYSA rules, parents and spectators are not permitted to dispute calls. If a parent causes a problem, the referee can ask the coach to address it — and can suspend the game if the behavior continues. That means your team doesn't play because of you.

🛡️ Referee Abuse Policy — Penalty Summary

US Soccer Policy 531-9 ("Respect the Call") — effective March 2025 — applies to all CYSA and SWYSA games. Applies equally to coaches, players, and spectators.

2games min

Level 1 — Verbal Taunting

Insulting, belittling, or undermining the referee's authority. ("You're the worst ref we've ever had.")

4games min

Level 2 — Harassment / Intimidation

Abusive or threatening language, getting in a referee's face, language intended to make them feel unsafe.

6games min

Level 3 — Threatening Language

Threats of violence, derogatory language. Plus 6–24 month time ban.

10games min

Level 4 — Discriminatory or Offensive Act

Discriminatory language or gestures targeting the referee's identity. Plus 12–24 month ban.

∞up to life

Physical Contact — Any Level

Minor touching: 3 games min. Pushing/grabbing: 10 games + 6–24 months. Striking or assault: 12 months to lifetime ban.

Second offense = double punishment. Third offense = lifetime ban. To learn more, see the full Referee Guide on this site — it covers rules, signals, and everything a parent needs to understand what's actually happening on the field.

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Get Involved — How to Say Yes

Kalama Soccer Club runs entirely on volunteer hours. There is a role for every schedule — from a few hours a season to a few hours a week. Here's what the options actually look like:

~3 hrs/week

Regular Season Commitment

Head Coach or Assistant Coach — lead or co-lead a team through the season. No soccer experience required — we have resources to help. Contact the registrar to register.
Certified Referee — get trained through CYSA's Micro-Referee program. The club offers rebates on certification costs. See the Referee Guide for details.
Field Line Painter — field lines need repainting twice a week. This is a specific, physical, high-impact role and it is always needed.

1–2 hrs/week

Consistent Game-Day Help

Assistant Coach support — help your child's coach by researching drills, organizing communications, or being an extra set of hands at practice
Goal moving after mowing — goals need to be relocated 1–2 times per week following field maintenance
Sideline coordinator — help remind spectators of the 2-foot sideline rule and assist with game-day setup

< 1 hr/week

Light but Meaningful

Team Snack Coordinator — organize the snack rotation for your child's team (usually just a spreadsheet and a group text)
Grounds check — walk the facility after games and flag debris, safety hazards, or cleanliness issues
End-of-season celebration help — assist with planning a team party or jamboree celebration

As-Needed / Events

Single Events & Projects

Fall Scrimmage — we run a club scrimmage event each fall and need help with setup, breakdown, and coordination
Goal setup / teardown — beginning and end of season, goals need to be set up and stored. Physical work, big impact.
Jamboree & event help — canopy setup, food, sound/music equipment, booth staffing. Bring a grill. Bring a potluck dish. Show up.
Event or Project Coordinator — have a big idea? Want to plan something? Contact club leadership about becoming a Project/Event Coordinator (attends monthly board meetings, plans 1–2 events per season).

Current Board (2025–2026)

Role	Name
President	Melyssa Roe
Treasurer	Tara Hargrave
Vice President	Marissa Davis
Equipment & Fields	Ian Showalter
Uniforms & Sponsors	Chad Nelson
Member at Large	Misael Garcia
Coach Liaison	Position open — contact registrar
Additional Board Positions	Positions open — elected at Annual General Meeting (date TBA)

The Kalama Soccer Club board meets monthly and is responsible for all club decisions, finances, and operations. If you're interested in serving on the board, reach out — new energy and new ideas are always welcome.

How to Sign Up

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Tanaja Gravina — Club Registrar

Primary contact for all volunteer registration, background checks, and role inquiries

[email protected]

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Club Leadership

Board inquiries, event coordination, big ideas

[email protected]

To register as a coach or assistant coach: Go to cowlitzyouthsoccer.org and follow the registration link on the home page. Select Kalama from the club list. All volunteers must complete a background check and review the club's waivers and conduct agreements before working with players.

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Three Things Every Kid Needs to Hear

You don't need a script. You don't need to be a sports psychology expert. You just need to know that the drive home after a game is one of the most powerful moments you'll have with your child all week — and that what you do with it matters.

Here's the simplest possible framework, backed by the research: your child needs to know three things, consistently, from you.

I love you.

Not "I love you when you score." Not "I love you, but..." Just this. Before soccer, after soccer, during soccer. Unconditionally.

I'm proud of you.

Not for the goal — for the effort. For showing up. For trying. For getting back up. Say what you actually saw that made you proud.

I love watching you play.

Those five words, after every game, every practice. That's it. Don't add anything. Just that.

🎙️ On the drive home

Sports psychologists who work with elite athletes often trace their love of sport back to a single thing: a parent who made them feel like playing was enough. Not winning. Not being the best. Just playing.

"The car ride home is where kids decide whether they want to come back next week."

— Commonly cited by youth sports researchers including Brooke de Lench (MomsTEAM Institute)

Ask "did you have fun?" Ask "what was your favorite part?" Ask "anything you want to work on?" Then listen. Resist the coaching. Just be curious about their experience — not your evaluation of it.

They will forget the score. They will not forget how you made them feel.

Thank you for being here. Kalama Soccer Club is a community. Every parent who reads this, cheers this way, coaches their reaction on the sideline, or steps up to volunteer makes our program better for every kid on every field. We are genuinely grateful for you.

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Learn More

You don't need to become a soccer expert. But a little background goes a long way — for your own enjoyment, for conversations with your kid, and for understanding what's actually happening on the field. Here are the resources we recommend most.

🎙️ Healthy Sports Parents Podcast

A podcast by Jonathan Carone featuring researchers, athletes, and coaches on what actually matters in youth sports. Every episode is free and worth your time. Two episodes are embedded throughout this page — here are the rest we recommend for parents:

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Giving Kids Ownership

Leslie Osborne — retired US Women's National Team player and Bay FC co-owner — on letting kids lead their own sports journey. Great for parents of U11+.

▶ Watch on YouTube

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What Youth Sports Needs Right Now

Dr. Katlin Okamoto of the US Soccer Foundation on what's actually broken in youth sports — and how parents are part of the solution.

▶ Watch on YouTube

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Sports, Identity & Life After

Paralympic Gold Medalist Mike Schultz on what sports really gives kids — and what happens when they eventually move on. Particularly powerful for parents of older athletes.

▶ Watch on YouTube

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What Parents Need to Know About Head Injuries

Dr. Christopher Nowinski of the CTE Foundation on concussions in youth sports — how to recognize them, what to do, and what the research actually says.

▶ Watch on YouTube

More episodes at: healthysportsparents.com/podcast — the full library is free and searchable by topic.